I consider myself being part of the new generation that and who does not give two hoots about Chinese culture and traditions. I do not celebrate any of the Chinese festivities. All I know is that I enjoy the lunar new year only because it gives me an excuse to go on shopping sprees and splurge in the name of new beginnings. But come to think about it, having to spend the holidays visiting relatives and attending a "company event-like" extended family dinner from your other half's side makes it not any better than any other working day. In fact, I would much rather prefer to go to work like any other day.

I was chided for ignoring my Chinese roots and even mocked at and asked to change my Chinese blood to European blood. But it doesn't bother me a bit. I am not a big fan of reunion when I am not close to any of the people who are supposedly related to me by blood. All I know is that I want to spend the holidays only in the company of someone I love and care for. Someone whom I am comfortable with and not having to entertain people who don't even like you for being you.

Why do we have to go through so much trouble trying to maintain ties with people whom you only get to see once a year? If they are really that important, do you have to wait to catch up a year later?

That aside, this year have been a complicated one so far. With so many things going on in my head and my indecisiveness, I can't get myself to think of my problems and let alone sorting them out and reaching a conclusion. I always thought that I bring myself nothing but trouble. I am starting to think that I am actually being a sadist, enjoying getting myself into deep shit and screwing up my life with my own hands.

Things which I desperately wanted are now things which I am trying to avoid the most. Things that I thought I never wanted are things which I want the most. Even though knowing that changes may not always be better, but I am still always yearning for a change. I always thought that I am a person who is easily contented, and yet sometimes I surprise myself with my discontentment. I am starting to doubt myself, my judgement, my personality. Was everything just a lie?

I desperately want to believe a beautiful lie, something which I know can be fatal if it all falls apart. And yet sometimes I wake up and think to myself, is it worth it to throw away stability for uncertainty? Many times I have tried telling myself that stability is what I really wanted, but deep in my heart, I was craving for the uncertainty that can crush everything I have built till now. Though it's nothing much, but that's the best I could come out with at the moment with my own capabilities. Haven't I already allowed uncertainty to screw up my life so many years ago? Why am I allowing it to crawl back into my heart again and plant a seed there?

So many questions and yet I have no way to answer them. I only hope that whichever choice I make will eventually be the correct one that will not leave me in regrets.